Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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