My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Randomize
