it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
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