for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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