She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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