WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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