the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
