guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
he shaved USA in his pubs
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
