I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
