I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
