Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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