seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
