I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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