I just pynch a tree in the face
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
