My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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