I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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