Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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