Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
