plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
