if you like me you must not know who I am
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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