He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
