OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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