maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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