I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
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