I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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