Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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