I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
