i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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