I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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