i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
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