Me. At least after what I've been through.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
