There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
