my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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