I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
did i walk over a car last night?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
