I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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