the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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