I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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