Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
