I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
