One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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