Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
