if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
