you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
