All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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