Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
