guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
