Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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