it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
