VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
