be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
