And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
