I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The feeling are messing with the penis
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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