I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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