Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
