somebody snuck up and got me drunk
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
