I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
