Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
