I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
