Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
