It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I touched a dick in church today
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
