The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
